How to Get Over Someone…. FAST!
Welcome to Therapy Sessions
Darling… are you feeling like a hot mess after a breakup? Are you so heartbroken that even Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ can’t bring you solace? Fear not my dear, because your spunky new therapist is here to help!
With years of experience watching rom-coms and devouring ice cream by the gallon, I’ve got all the expertise you need to get over your ex and move on to bigger and better things (like a new Netflix binge, or a new pair of shoes, for instance). So sit back, relax, and let’s dive into the ultimate guide to getting over a breakup.
Warning: may contain excessive amounts of sarcasm and cheesy one-liners.
Double Warning: All advice is for information purposes only. We cannot be held responsible if you act on any of the below content. (Seriously)
Scientifically proven methods for getting over a breakup
For those moments in the soon-after-breakup aftermath….
- Chocolate is your friend. Eat some.
- Wine is definitely NOT your friend and will make you feel sick…. however for some reason wine and chocolate together make a soothing combination.
- Shopping is therapy and should be subsidized by the government under the medical scheme.
- Friends will help you bitch about your ex.
- Fugly.com is real and is waiting for their photo to be uploaded.
- Netflix binges were created for this purpose.
- The ultimate revenge is to look fabulous so get your hair done or hit the gym and make them WISH they never left you.
- Unfriending on Facebook was made for this purpose. (Does anyone even use FB anymore?) – so unfriend them on Tiktok too.
Things definitely NOT to do after a breakup
For those nail biting moments when all you want to do is call them…
- Do not, under any circumstances put a potato up their car exhaust pipe.
- Never text. Believe me, a complete block out is much better because it leaves THEM wondering about what you’re up to… and you leave with your dignity in tact.
- Do not eat the ENTIRE family sized block of chocolate. You will likely throw up.
- Ditto for the wine and chocolate combo.
- Stalking their house/ favorite haunt/ gym is not cool. It makes you look like a loser. Yep, that was LOSER with a capital L.
- Never ask their best friend if they have been talking about you. This will get back to them and then you can refer to step 5.
- Posting excessive photos of yourself out with your friends having an obviously (cough) ‘good’ (cough) time doesn’t work. Go out, but only for you. Not for appearing a certain way on social media.
Good luck with your heartache my darling. If all else fails, you can always sing some blues.